A Good Guy’s Gun
by Beth Ann Huber in The Zero Point
Hey, Guy, my old friend, do you have time for a chat? I’ve become curious about a few things and hope you might be willing to give me some answers.
Why you, you ask? Well, it’s just that you didn’t seem like the type of Guy that would walk this crazy road for so long. I mean, I could see you taking an ego-stroking frolic through the conspiradaisies for a small bit — your abundant shelves of chem-trail and prepper books set that scene for me — but seven years seems excessive. I guess I thought you’d get bored after a while. I apologize for my lack of faith.
“Conspiracy theorist group QAnon hit a bizarre milestone in November last year, when its supporters gathered for what they believed would be the return of the late JFK Jr — who, they believed, would be running on an imagined 2024 ticket with former President Donald Trump.” — Independent UK
I truly care about you, Guy; I really do. We’ve been neighbors a long time, and you were always a bright spot in my day. Need help with those groceries? Why, yes, Guy, thanks so much. When the tropical storm — that bastard Ivan — took out our trees years ago? Lordy what a mess! Giant limbs blocking the roads and atop the phone lines. Water over everything. You were the first one out there with a chainsaw pretending to be Paul Bunyan.
I wasn’t afraid of you or your chainsaw because you were our Good Guy!
Quick side question: Did you mean to brandish that thing at me the other day? You were laughing so I couldn’t tell.
“This country has to toughen up…You know, part of the problem and part of the reason it takes so long [to remove protestors] is that nobody wants to hurt each other anymore, right?..[My] audience hit back. That’s what we need a little bit more of.” — Donald Trump
And, hey, what about your little fire-cracker Janie? She’s precious, by the way; you must be so proud. I saw her the other day playing in the yard — full of energy and wonder — such innocence with a bright future ahead of her. She was jumping rope and singing and giggling.
Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack
All dressed in black, black, black
With silver buttons, buttons, buttons,
All down her back, back, back
Delightful. Have you asked her what she wants for her next birthday party theme? I’ll bet she chooses something amazing. Wonder Woman or Iron Man. Those decisions are always so exciting, aren’t they? Barbie? Well, sure, that’s one idea, I guess.
“An Abortion Story Too Good to Confirm.” Too good to confirm. [The Wall Street Journal] used those words to describe a 10-year-old being raped and not being able to get an abortion in her home state of Ohio, which has banned abortions after six weeks, with no exceptions for rape and incest. Too good to confirm! — The Guardian
Forgive me for saying, but I wouldn’t think you’d expose Janie to this darkness without at least some hesitation. Does she lay awake at night afraid of what’s coming? Are you worried that you’re the one that’s created the monster under her bed? I shouldn’t presume to tell you how to raise your own child, of course. She trusts you with everything she is; I’m sure you’re worthy of it.
Look, I know times have been hard for you, Guy. That job meant everything to your family — food on the table, expensive medicine for your wife (I meant to ask, how’s she feeling now?), the extra boxes of ammo in the shed next to the swing set. And to have to leave a job you’ve had for over a year just to protect your right to breathe freely — well, what a horrible choice. Please do let me know if I can do anything at all to help make your situation more comfortable.
“Welcome to the Freedom Cafe! We trust you to make your own choices if you want to wear a face mask. And, in the same spirit of individual liberty, we allow our staff to make their own choices about the safety procedures they prefer to follow as they prepare and serve your food.” — @libbyjones715
You know what I take comfort in? The love and compassion of a good spiritual community. Is the church helping you through this time, Guy? I see you pile the family into the SUV every week, dressed in your Sunday finest, so I’m guessing that God must be watching out for you all. Do you sense the angels’ presence when you pray?
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God.
…Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
…Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven. - Matthew 5:3–12; Luke 6:20–23
Now, I know we don’t see the Divine the same way, Guy, but I’m not sure God cares much about that. I mean, with all the craziness in the world, do we think God’s up there with a score card? I doubt the God of love is that cruel. Or that inefficient.
Is God white, Guy? Is God masculine, Guy? Is this your God, Guy?
I admit I don’t know what happened, Guy, I really don’t. Do you remember Steve and Gary’s barbeque in — what was it? — the summer of 2015? We had such a good time flipping burgers and slamming down what you called “Bongo-tinis” because Steve drummed on the table as he made the drinks. You had us all in stitches! Yes, I knew you were a little uncomfortable with their marriage, but you were a decent-enough Guy to be civil and, well, neighborly.
“Isn’t it sad, though, that America’s morality has fallen so far that on this issue — protecting children from any homosexual agenda or propaganda — Russia’s standard is higher than our own?” — Franklin Graham
That was, I guess, about a year before you started going out of your way to strut past all of our houses with your baseball cap on, silent and scowling. No, not scowling. Smirking. Like you had been crowned secret king of the world but hadn’t deigned to inform the rest of us. I apologize for not seeing it, Guy. None of us saw that you were smarter than you were before. And tougher. With better jokes. With a bigger shoe size.
Do you ever take that sweaty, misshapened hat off, Guy? Your forehead must be dyed red by now. Yes, I know what it says. It says “I miss the times when there was no Steve or Gary.”
For my part, I miss the times when you walked silently past.
Oh, that reminds me: are you working on becoming a stand-up comedian? Or maybe you’re auditioning for play? You’re probably too old to play a thirteen-year-old, but, hey, it’s good to have a dream. Some advice, though: the joke “Let’s go Brandon” needs to be funny somehow or else your audience is going to fall asleep waiting for the punchline. And a good comedian only uses their best joke once. More than that makes them look desperate, don’t you think? I promise I’ll come sit in the first row and show my support the minute you get booked for a show. How thrilling!
No, I’m not stupid, Guy. I know you don’t want me at your comedy show. You’d prefer me not to be around you and yours at all. I can tell by the way you yank little Janie away when I bring wayward softballs back into your yard. I guess we’re not the same anymore. We live yards apart but we’re no longer neighbors.
Be honest — Is it because I don’t laugh at your jokes? Is it because I still love Steve and Gary? Is it because I don’t want Janie to be afraid of the dark? Is it because your guns don’t scare me more than you do?
I swear this is true, and you know I’ve never lied to you:
Your semi-automatics don’t make you tougher. Your fear of brown people and borders don’t make you safer. Your mockery doesn’t make you smarter. Your hate doesn’t make you less lonely.
Does my missing you make you uncomfortable, Guy?
Works Cited
Bates, Andrew as @AndrewJBates46. Dark Brandon. Tweet. Photograph. Twitter. 7, August, 2022.
Eckstrom, Kevin. “Franklin Graham: Putin is better on gay issues than Obama.” Washington Post. 14, March. 2014.
Jones, Libby. “Welcome to Freedom Café.” Tweet. Twitter. 28, June. 2020.
Mahdawi, Arwa. “The right denied the story of a 10-year-old getting an abortion — it only gets worse.” The Guardian. 16, July. 2022
Moore, Reverend Johnnie as @JohnnieM. “Such an honor to pray within the whitehouse.” Tweet. Photograph. Twitter. 11, July, 2017.
Sommers-Dawes, Katie. “All the times Trump has called for violence at his rallies.” Mashable.com. 12, March. 2016
Tagalog Dictionary. “Maga.” Tagalog.com.
Vallejo, Justin and Phil Thomas. “Why some QAnon believers think JFK Jr is still alive — and about to become vice president.” Independent UK. 18, January. 2022.
